day 76... jamming the line!

                     the boys at harrison hq would hate my choice of phone!!!

day 76... And today i was to "jam the line" of the headquaters of the Ku Klux Klan in Harrison Arkansas by constantly ringing, and then hanging up... the thinking i guess being that if i was jamming the line people who have regular business with the KKK couldnt get through.... or maybe it was just to be an annoyance.

I did feel a little rude tho, i dont make a habbit of ringing  and hanging up, and i had visions of a lonely, bored man sat in an empty office, looking for things to do... i pictured him making lists of jobs he would like to have, places he would rather be, his favourite asian actors etc...(obviously the latter would have to be disposed of before he leaves the office) The thought of him dashing eagerly to the phone, only to find noone on the line was almost heartbreaking.

I may not support his views, but i dont want to abuse him for them. Anyway i did as was required, i believe their line was suitably jammed for a moment.. so mission complete.

The number should any of you require it is  (001) 870-427-3414. It might be nice to have a chat with the gent running the place, maybe you could even persuade him to take up a different hobby, as he enjoys dressing up, and shouting  why not suggest amateur dramamtics.

line jammed.. mission complete

day... 75 blaging cash from millionaires!

day... 75  And  i am to "ask a billionaire for money today"  Billionaires give cash to all manner of causes, from malaria to aids... and while these undoubtedly are all great and worthy causes it does leave the question why shouldnt i have some?

 So i am to ask a billionaire for 0.01% of his fortune..  its fair to say he wouldnt  notice its absence, and i certainly would notice its arival in my bank account.... and while it's unlikely i will recieve any response as the book says "if you dont ask, you dont get".

So with this in mind i picked my target, and did a little research. He is Ingvar Kamprad, he is the man behind the furniture empire IKEA, he is as you may be aware Sweedish , he is 82 is married and has 4 children.

You can find the letter below:-

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Hallo Ingvar,

Although i am not Sweedish, I have been visiting your store and devouring its delicious meatballs for as long as my memory stretches, and so i feel some afinity with your people. OOOOh! i love those meatballs, and the sauce ... good heavens Ingvar what fine cuisune!

I love your furniture too, because its stylish and also relatively inexpensive, However unlike yourself (in switzerland) i live in england, where i am very harshly treated with reguards to tax, And so despite my best efforts i am poor.

I wondered if you could hook me up with 0.01% of your fortune, this would make no dent in your accounts, but massively boulster mine  and make me the happiest man in england. I'm possitive it would be tax decuctable as a charitable donation, plus you'll recoup some when i come in for meatballs.

Dont worry about similar letters, i will keep any corespondance to myself.

many thanks,

mike shotton
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So.. i wrote Ingvar a begging letter, Hopefully this time next year i will be swimming in couch money, if not.. at least he knows how much i enjoy meatballs.

day 74... living for the moment

together ... a winning team

day 74... And today benrik insisted that i "live for the moment" this sounds quite a vague task im sure you will agree, or at least up until i inform you that the moment i was required to live for was 9:31.22 TO 9:31.23, now the absoloute clarity of the task should be slapping you bluntly in the face .

Thats right, my entire day was to be spent preparing for, and building up to the  afore mentioned second, this i did.

A second really isnt a great deal of time (as you may be aware) and so finding something to fill that moment and not much longer was rather difficult, i had a good think, and eventually arrived at what  may be the absoloute height of pleasure a human being can reach within the bounds of the law, and the moral code i find myself under due to my religion.

 To truly live for the moment one has to be prepared.. and relaxed. And so an hour or so before the crucial moment i took a nice hot shower and tried to unwind. .I got changed and after a sarnie(bacon), as one cant be truly happy on an empty stomach ... i headed for the office and made the neccesary arrangements.

Want to know what i did? well i'll tell you anyway, at the apropriate second i pressed play on the ready queued up computer before me, and saw boro's  final goal against basel...acompanied by ali brownlee  ( the comentator's) exclamation "the greatest comeback since lazarus!!" , while taking the first chug from an ice cold can of coca cola ( other beverages are available)... It may not sound much , but for me this was a truly heavenly moment in the day, 2 of the things i enjoy the most being enjoyed simeltaneously.

So.. i lived for the moment... and i liked it. I encourage you to give it a shot. (coke and boro video optional)

day 73... teenager day!

day 73...  And  my mission was " today act like a teenager" I feel i accomplished this  with great aplomb, and as you might imagine (bearing in mind the task), minimal effort.

Allow me to talk you through the activities i enjoyed revisiting  today:-

Sleeping as if it's an oplympic sport

eating ice cream from the tub

Allowing my rubbish and used clothes to accumulate in the bedroom

mopeing and being lethargic, while trying to keep the correct amounts of over excitement and agresiveness.

showing no consideration for others in my choice of music or indeed the volume at which i play it. I also listened only to music i loved as a teenager, and i must say even then i had impecable taste.

no lights on at all  in my house where possible.

Moaning about everything.. how life is unfair, how much i hate maths. I tried to persuade myself that i wanted a sleepover at a mates house.. but no amount of feigned enthusiasm for staying awake till 7 watching ultra violent films, then crashing out on the  floor could persuade me. I also gave up reading for the day as, as all teenage boys know reading is cack and pointless.

I attempted to shun   my ever growing cynicism and tried my best to regain a degree of unrealistic idealism reguarding the world, granted this was entirely un-authentic as even as a teenager i wanted to smack the kids who went on about green issues as well as marxism and other non workable systems of government .

I even considered foregoing a shower, and attempting to cover up the man musk with lashings and lashings of lynx/axe ( the smell of all adolescent teenage boys)  but full on blokes just cant pull that off.

So i lived as a teenager for the day.. and i made a discovery, being so lazy and obnoxious is actually incredibly tiring, maybe we shouldnt judge them so harshly for their 12 hour sleepathons.

day 72... name fine on street sign?

day 72... And today the book suggested that i may like to "write to your local authority and ask that your street be renamed after you" Sounds a great idea to me, So write a letter i did bearing in mind benriks advice that i should " explain why the current name is no good" and "give details of my achievements" if i desired a succesfull application.

......................................................................................................................................

Michael Shotton
129 Braemar road
Billingham
TS232Aj
Dear sir/ madam

I write to you with reference to the street on which I live, Braemar Road in Billingham. I feel the name of the road is far from appropriate; it has no place in English history, nor has it any significance to the northeast.

Please allow me to suggest as a replacement Shotton Road, the reasons for this are two fold, Firstly, Not only does the name have significance to the north east (Shotton in case you are not aware is a town near Peterlee), this in turn gives it more relevance to the English public, as it relates to our culture and history.

Secondly Shotton is my family name, and I undoubtedly being a famous son of the northeast deserve to have some form of permanent monument unto myself, upon reflection I have decided that the streets name being changed will suffice. As you will no doubt alter the street to the name suggested when I become infamous the world over, you may aswell change it now to save time and blushes.

Incase you are as yet unaware of my many achievements, allow me elude unto a few, I am the discoverer of the now world famous route to rievaulx prehistoric cave paintings, I have kept Teesside's kebab shops afloat over the last decade, I famously and bravely once threatened France.

It is not for me to boast, however now that I have shared with you but a small few of my many achievements, you see the importance of this small but necessary gesture.

I leave the arrangements to you.



Many thanks


Mike shotton
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So letter  ready to send, will it be succesfull? well after those groundshaking achievements i cant see why not. I look forward to walking down Shotton road sometime very soon.

Application made.

day 71... praising unsung achievement!

something to lay praise upon!!

and then lay uponyour toast!!

day 71... Today i was bade to " praise an unsung achievement"

So i kept my eyes peeled ( i hate that term, it doesnt create a pleasent image in my head) for small, maybe overlooked achievements. I looked on the streets as i walked, maybe someone had put real effort into their garden and had heard not a word of encouragement.

 I stayed alert while reading the newspapers maybe something praiseworthy would catch my eye, i listened out as  my friends talked in the pub, when i went to get a coke from the bar i was sure to pay attention to the bar made.. her general manner, her service, the way she poured my coke, the consistency thereof, im afraid she did nothing to inspire praise... nothing noteworthy even on a small  level , however if next time she serves me the ring  in her lip is gone she will certainly recieve praise for that.

Later in the day at home i found it, something definately worthy of quiet accalades in my humble opinion, wnat to know what it was? say YES out loud or you wont understand the next paragraph!!.

O.K... i was relaxing in the living room late in the day  watching nothing imparticular on t.v, and feeling slightly peckish i headed for the kitchen toast i thought.. marmite on toast, now i have always been a big fan of the equally loved and maligned yeast based spread.

 I however has always had a defect, when you reach the bottom of the tub it becomes inreadibly hard to get out of there. When i reached into the cupboard i was greeted by marmite.. but it had evolved.. it was a plastic upside down standing squeezy marmite. Words can not express my delight at how easy it was to use... this i thought is note worthy!!

And so i fashioned a brief note to the makers thereof... it follows:-

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Dear marmite team,

May i congratulate you wholeheartedly  on the creation of your new squeazable marmite, I have always been a lover of the black stuff, but often found myself frustrated by the difficulty experienced removing the last of the marmite from the old style tub.

Your new tub is a stroke of genius, for which you deserve comendation, well done fine sirs,  the contents are as good as ever ,  and the packaging that encases the heavenly goo has made the matter of removal from jar a pleasurable experience.

You have made this marmite user exceedingly happy.

many thanks
mike
xx

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unsung achievement praised!!

day 70 boycott day

not today my friends

take it whichever way your want

well its true

fact

day 70 boycott day so today benrik asked me to boycott something thats never been botcotted before after a long think i decided that today rather than failing to spell check and using punctuation incorrectly i would boycott punctuation all together it took me a while to reach this decision i considered what to boycott long and hard i started with a massive group of possible things to shun for the day this list included  gravity shadows  monsters and of course punctuation while the others  as theories tickled me a great deal i realised there was a definate flaw to them the flaws being that monsters dont exist and so the  boycott  was largely down to them and would in reality be their boycott of real life now the other 2  id love to imagine  control over that by pure force of will i could cause shadows to cease but im not convinced my refusal to entertain them for the day would result in their abolition and gravity in reality has hold of me right now even if i was in space where there is zero gravity the laws  are still what would  dictate my floatyness and so punctuation it is today i didnt read  for an hour as i usually would as i didnt want the plague of  punctuation to infiltrate my ban the mere sight of a comma or a full stop would be enough to send me into an anarchic rage today id be incandesant i tell you so after not reading i had to choose carefully my viewing i rented 5 films yesterday on that wonderfull 5 films for 5 quid deal blockbuster are cracking off i was really looking forward to watching one in particular today i realised in the nick of time that the subtitles that were bound to be on the foreign film would undermine my valiant attempt at temporary non conformity with punctuation i watched a british film instead i thought as is natural when actively boycotting something some sort of demonstration might be in order so this i did granted it took place in my house as i couldnt risk an attack of semi colons from an unsuspected source but a demonstration it was none the less you should see a photo or photos above refusing to see speak or use punctuation for a day is a lot harder than it sounds i couldnt risk finding out the proper doseage of medecine and so a gulp with gestimate had to surfice i boycotted my chosen nemesis all day today finishing up with this blog you wouldnt believe how hard it is not to punctuate at some stages of a written piece i encourage you to give it a try being a little ocd  and terrible with punctuation anyway i started to worry while typing this blog as to whether the spaces between these words are in fact punctuation and also if the radio ive had on as a safe option all day has in fact been comprimising my stand against punctuation sneakily all day with pauses and changes of tone i decided id let myself off and stop thinking about it this my other worry is that this is only marinally worse than my usual punctuation well done to anyone who makes it all the way through this please let me know via comment if you do puntuation boycotted