day 45...opting out of the internet (for a day) with suprising results.

 day 45... "today opt out of the internet" Like many people i go onto the internet with a few things i absoloutley need to do, then end up getting side tracked into watching and doing all  kinds of pointless and cack  on here..  So when i saw today's task i was interested as to what i could make time for if i dint allow the internet toswallow me up for a while.
To my infinate suprise I got so much more  done in my leisure time, that i  was almost convinced to sack the computer off for good, or at least a good while... and had i not pledged to to task all year i might have, However theyre are at least 300 days tilll thats possible.

The activities ignoring the internet allowed me time to do participate in for longer periods  are as follows:-

I got through more than a couple of chapters of both of my christmas books, cameron on cameron ( pictured above) and in cold blood (capote's classic.).. i finally got round to buying it...and i am not disapointed.

Found a lot more time to exercise than the usual pityfull half hour or so, i got the gloves on , kept in mind things that bother me (people who read in coffee shops, use laptops on the train, boro becoming a mid table championship team, and other things i wont mention here) and wellied away for a good long while, i even nutted it a couple of times.. that didnt feel great, but it always seems the most apropriate way to end a barage of punches.

Went for a long walk in a (ice laiden and deadly) winter wonderland... i did this in running spikes , After days of undignified near falls, I realised said spikes would keep me vertical..i had  a sort of isaac newton moment while watching my cat walk alongside me ,seemingly unhindered by the treacherous ice, while i slipped around like a dog on a wet kitchen floor, this i thought must be down to his claws. I knew those runnning shoes would come in handy someday (thanks amy)

I documented the snowmen in billingham on said walk.. (some of which were hillarious) so hillarious in fact that i considered  self publishing snowmen of billingham vol 1.. then thought better of it.

I watched a documentary on the  inca's (which i loved) as im a little obsessed with ancient central american civilizations.

So i discovered even over the nothing much to do christmas period, minus internet access i can  actually be a relatively productive person within my leisure time. That certainly came as a suprise to me. I may well do it more often.. the only downside to this is i couldnt type up yesterdays task yesterday.. so ur getting it today and im now behind in typing up  tho not tasking. fear not.

internet abandoned for the day
task done.

day 44... petitioning celine dion

day 44.. and today i was asked to "lobby celine dion to sing about me". I almost cant contain my excitement when i think of celine stood up there on stage in ceasers palace, busting out "think twice" and "my heart will go on" and following those crowd pleasers with a sonnet owed to mike shotton.. so while admitedly im not really expecting a reply, or a song to be crafted, just the thought of her seing my request fills me with glee.. yes glee!

I had to do a little celine research, i was aware of the 2 songs mentioned above and a few more besides, and have always been of the opinion she's more than a little cack , but if im asking the woman to sing about me i'd have to come across like a creepy hardcore celine fan, Research done i set out to write the requested and all important letter.

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Dearest Celine,
I am your biggest fan, and thought the time had come for me after all these years to finally make contact.

I remember with heart a flutter the day in 1994 that I first heard think twice” rasping from my T.V, that fateful day was the start of a fascination that continues to this day for me.

In 1996 I went as far as learning French to better understand the lyrics In “du soleil au Coeur and incognito). There is something almost magical about those early albums in your native tongue. I have read and re-read your autobiography more times than I should admit.


My reasons for writing today are two fold, firstly to let you know, that in my humble opinion you are greatest artist of the last 50 years, and secondly to plead with you just one night in your long running Las Vegas show to sing about me.
Now I realise this is a big ask, but I am as I have stated a HUGE fan, and it would be a dream come true for me.

I am aware it would be hard for you or your writers to find time to write a whole song.. So in the interest of saving some of your time I will leave you some ideas, in the hopes they get you started: -

“His name is mike, he rides a bike, he lives in the northeast, he is such a wild beast”
Hope that’s of some help to you.

I look forward to hearing from you soon.

Yours adoringly

Mike shotton

p.s: should my song become a worldwide hit I ask for nothing but recognition.

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So as you are now aware i petitioned celine dion in the creepiest way i could possibly muster. Wether she chooses to use me as inspiration for a song or not, she is now at very least aware of my feigned admiration.

celine petitioned
task completed.

day 43...throw away something you like

day 43.... "today thow away something you like", i didnt really want to do this..However needs must, i signed up to do all 365 and do them all i must.

I thought long and hard about things i liked, but could just about bare to part with, obviously i didnt want to cast aside something that i was deeply attached to, or anything that was worth a considerable amount of cash (these items are very few).

So i looked around, and began considering possible candidates for disposal... i pondered all sorts of options.

1. my cat moses.. After not much consideration at all i decided i couldnt part with him, how would i deal day to day without his random attacks?, odd noises and the bizare effect the sound of keys jangling has on him? He didnt qualify for the task anyway.. it has to be something you like.. and i love my cat.

2.   Mike's deck of cards, these are special and i am unusually protective of them, the reason for this, i'm a big time muso and these are very limited edition  music based cards, each one  in the deck is the frontman of a classic indie or rock band. Iv'e been known to become irate at the sight of them not being aforded the proper respect during card playing... letting them go would be a pull..i considered it. Then decided .... NO!

3. I collect political memrobelia, and thought about dumping one of the gorgeous chairman mao pin badges i discovered in a crazy ass shop in the middle of china town (vancouver) ..then i thought again.

4.   I considered my saudi blade, it is both ornamental and very sharp, im rather fond of it.. a friend brought it back for me a long time ago..While it has been responsible for a good few accidental finger slicing incidents i have a definate attachment to it so after further consideration i decided i couldnt let it go...

5 Finally i pondered over the inflatable banana, i like it, theres no reason for my liking an oversized airfilled faux fruit, but i do, i imagine if you oversized any food stuff, and made it soft enough for me  to smite people with i would emjoy it immensely.

After much deliberation i decided the banana was making the journey.. i took the photo you see above..(being sure to utalise it for blog advertising) then left it inflated and hanging from the top of my wheely bin.. hopefully it will find a new home. Who could pass up owning a blog advertising inflatable banana?

Liked item tossed asunder

task tasked.

day 42..foreigner twinning

day 42...Today i was requested and required to "twin myself with a foreigner" this i did, and it couldnt have been simpler, we had james (a real live canadian) with us over christmas, and he was more than willing to engage in any tasking that needed doing..  This particular task wasnt particularly taxing.. he was merely required to be my foriegn town equivelant  in human form. Much like swindon is twinned with disneyland, and teesside is twinned with hell but you know,...with people!

All that was required was the twining, photographic evidence, and some kind of verbal contract to visit eachothers countries, (which we have allready done) In the evening ,In a sort of show of   common wealth solidarity, we sat down to a parmo ( a teesside delicacy) which i plastered with pink paste,(garlic and chilli sauce mixed) partly because i like pink paste with a lot of meals .. but also obviously to indicate the harmony betwixed england and canada..the red and white of the chilli and garlic sauces respectively(  canada's colours) upon the parmo(england) being an indication of the harmony betwixed our glorious lands.

I would loved to have done more, perhaps a flag raising, the singing of national anthems etc.. however it being christmas eve nothing too strenuous was called for, We did a sort of trade of obscure christmas songs we were aware of.. people at home may want to youtube the italian christmas donkey, its my all time fave novelty festive song.I digress.

 I  was twinned for the day, and feel that aswell as completing another day and another task ,i  have a better understanding of the town twinning system.
what a bonus.

foreigner twinned with
mission accomploshed.

day 41.... aiding the destruction of an ugly building

day 41...."today help destroy an ugly building" Today i was charged with the duty of picking a building i decided was was an eyesore, and aiding its demolition, by taking a tiny part of it.. now im aware that benrik was possibly assuming this would be a building still whole and standing, However when i was in town today scouting for the building i was gunna lash with the toffee hammer, i noticed that demolition had started on the old police h.q... and if course realised i had found my target.

This mission was harder than you may expect, you know how hardcore government conducted operations are health and safety wise... so as you may imagine the demolition of a mega high building (for the boro) was well sealed off... i searched and walked the whole fence looking for a break in the fence ... or damage i could crawl through.. but nothing.

So i climbed  the fence... it was prety high( 8-9 feet?), and as i reached the top and was just swinging one leg over to the other side, to my bum clenching alarm i realised the fence wasnt as stable as it apeared... there is something equally amusing and horifying about these situations.. realising youve put yourself in an awquard position, and at any second its either going to end well or terribly.

Benrik wanted me to aid the demolition of a building  by taking off and stealing a piece of it... this i did, i looked for a police hq sign.. but no such luck.. i also knew id have to carry it back over.. so this small bit of wall was just the trick. It doesnt have to luck flash.. i know that its stolen from the police hq.. and that may amuse me for ever more.

Just me and my rock, but the camera took a crazy one.. and i like it.. looks magical, maybe the rock contains special law keeping properties which causes it to glow?

So then i had an explore as i'd gone to such trouble to break in, and took the photos you see above (and below)so i had a casual mooch about, and was quite at ease right up until the moment  2 policemen walked past within about 3 feet of the fence (so like 12 feet from me).. im not ashamed to say i hid. Obviously i was convinced either my phone ringing or a  sneezing fit was imminent.. happily neither occured.

How ever fun my entrance into the sealed off demolition zone was..my grand exit was a good deal more exciting, i knew it wasnt a good idea to use the fence again, and so after a few seconds, i saw my way out.. a tall wall, the side wall to the law courts no less (i know, not 2 buildings its ideal to trespass on, your hardly off the radar) the wall was diagonal , and high...  and i wasnt completely sure i could get up there. After a few failed atempts climbing from one platform to another to reach the top, i decided it was time for decisive action.. i wasnt positive i could remain in there any longer without being spotted.  So i opted for a foolish long run up and arm stretched high leap, in an atempt to grasp the top of the wall , and haul myself up.This didnt even seem likely to have a good outcome to me..(bareing in mind my limited athletic ability)But the leap was made the hands reached the top, tho they nearly let go as my torso slammed into that diagonal wall, i hadnt thought this through properly. Filthy jacketed, and a little more bruised than before, i pulled myself up  and exited the scene of the crime.

police station bashed, and piece of wall in pocket. I had aided the demolition of a building i considered a blight on the landscape..

mission accomplished.

da deesh!!!!

Not task related... but earlier in the day as i passed the town centres spot of nature, i witnessed this hillarious scene... the whole pond (which is massive) had frozen over.. apart from this tiny circular ice free section.. i couldnt stop myself laughing like a headcase while watching about 30 ducks swimming in an exact circle in single file..cracking. Part of me hoped they would go so fast they caused a whirlpool.

day 40... i freelanced as a traffic warden

day 40..."freelance as a traffic warden today"  This is a job i never could have foreseen taking on in any capacity, yet there i was producing my very own freelance parking tickets.. look above, see how official and profesional they look,  impresive im sure you'll agree.

I was all ready to leave and lash those tickets onto the windscreens of cars i percieved to be commiting offences, when out of the corner oof my eye i spied the santa hat and beard.. perfect i thought, this will serve two fold, it will act as a discuise, and its the perfect costume for the festive treats im about to hand out.

Ive come up with some guidlines for this kind of task 1. dont poo on your own doorstep (dont do anything daft on the streets immidiately around you. 2. have some knowledge of the area your hitting, you never know when youll desperately need to take a shortcut.

(notice how red and frrreeezing my hands are here) Also notice the details on the ticket, i bet the recipient has never recieved a ticket for his car being "over frosty" before.

the car about to recieve my present in the background here.

dadeesh!!

ready to ticket some poor doil..

thats right £1000,000 pound fine for car being snow laiden, rules is rules.

the beatle gets it!

at the end of a very early morning of tasking, i arrived home feeling id done my bit for the community, always a good idea to do your part,i got a nice warm tingle when i thought of all the hard work id spared our poor traffic wardens.

tickets lashed.

bosh!!!!

day 39... switching my appendix on

day 39..."Switch on your appendix today"  benrik gave a reason for this task, i interpret the reason thusly.. the appendix is often thought of as a vestigial organ, a part of the body no longer in use due to evolution, however, if we take on the evolution explanation, it stands to reason it could also be an organ that has yet to come into use, one that could when working hold the key to all sorts of new abilities..like telepathy, teleporting and the ability to apply anything to the eye without opening the mouth (for women).


a worrying task, but one that had to be done.. benrik asked me to rouse my appendix from its apparent kip, to be able to feel it really working, in the name of obedience i took the task on, However i didnt really want the way my (to my knowledge) perfectly heallthy appendix to have the way it works altered for the worse. There were 4 differing levels of severity with which the book wanted me to atempt to disturb my appendix from its slumber...

step 1. Strap your mobile over the top of your appendix for a long period.. this i did as you will see below. It did feel a little wierd after a while, but nothing i could be sure was appendix related.

Step 2. keep your appendix next to a microwave door (while cooking) on max power for a prolonged period..so i did, however i narowly avoided a catastrophy. I did the mobile phone step first (battery facing outwards)and forgot to unstrap the mobile from myself before cooking began.. now this may not have caused an explosion (though it's possible) but at very least i was recieveing a nice mix of 2 sets of stuff that certainly wernt of benefit to my appendix. This surely would cause some twinges that would tell me my appendix was working overtime....

Step 3. This was in 2 parts and was a last ditch effort to get my appendix to give me some signs of life before remedial action (task 4) was called for..the third step "hot and cold therapy" consisted of me applying hot and cold alternately to the skin covering the appendix, i did this with a bag of frozen peas (5 mins)...

And a hot water bottle (5 mins) this was repeated several times while i watched a dvd... and i to a mix of alarm and relief felt a definate difference in how things felt in that region, nothing hardcore but if i had to describe the feeling id say more urgent.. my appendix at least for a short time was definately there and at work.. i could feel it.

Thank goodness the nightmare that was Step 4. was not neccesary, Firstly in all honesty and for sensible reasons im not sure i could have done it, and secondly im not convinced the makers of the book actually required it of me...Step 4 would have been "accupuncture" if the previous 3 steps had failed i was to precure an accupuncture needle, and attempt to insert it at the appendix..and nudge it at different angles until i got a definite reaction.

At worst this could have resulted in a rupture if i guessed right, or a christmas in hospital if guessed right ot wrong.

Well i did it.. my appendix let me know it was present.. i now feel decidedly ruff, but am almost sure the 2 things are not related...



mission complete, and i have a new found respect for my appendix.

day 38...window art day!

day 38..."window art day"  this is a misleading title for todays entry, as unless your'e on the pannel that decides the turner prize (art prize in the u.k) what i boshed in my window clearly isnt art. The thinking behind this task was that people of all political persuasions like to advertise their opinions in windows..they will protest against almost anything in form of window stickers etc.. There must be something more entertaining to say, benrik gave some directions as to the kind of thing that may atract more atention.. and asked me to place it in the houses most dominant window for 24 hours, and see the reaction it recieves, above you will see the "window art" i rocked with.

To arrive at these posters i thought of, and turned down many... such as "help, im being held against my will", "i dare you to burgle me passer by" and "this window is 100% brick proof". While all of the above would have been way funnier, im currently at my parents house and bearing in mind we live in teesside tempting people to either brick your window  or rob you isnt wise, as they would happily do it without any encouragement.

The rection im glad to report was funny more than riotous, basically a whole lot of people  cracking up as they walked past, some looking angry and  like they wanted to come and knock on the door, (they presumably decided against after realising doing so would prove both signs correct, they WERE looking into the window, and if "i know that your doing" bothers you.. your clearly doing something you dont like people knowing about.) And the highlight of the day for me was the nice old lady that edged further and further into the front garden as she couldnt read the signs, then rushed off when she saw me watching her from the upstairs window.. priceless.

WINDOW ART DISPLAYED
BOSH

day 37...erecting a statue of myself

Day 37... and today my task was "erect a statue of yourself in public" And as you will see below .. this i did. Ive seen this task coming for a while and had no idea how to go about it, i mean im not a man with access to cement or marble or anything similar..then as a massive stroke of luck fell my way. It snowed the last couple of days.. perfect i thought an oppertunity for me to complete the task without purchasing heavy and pricey stones or using my massively insuficient sculpting ability.

Here we see  the result of a good hard slog.. a tribute erected unto myself in elbow grease and snow it truly was a lbour of love. (with plaq incase some bafoon with no eye for fine art  didnt realise it was me)

Notice the striking resemblence... the little squinty , often blood shot eyes the spikey hair (when not shaved) the cool tie... its a pencil tie incase your wondering ..a pineapple leaf no less.. i think youll agree i look nothing short of dashing in it.

What happened next was as hillarious as it wasunexpected.. an incredibly drunk fellow having a good old sway stopped to admire my snowman as i was adding the finishing touches, he had a good chuckle about it..then he said "eer put this in his mouth" put out the cigarette he was smoking by dipping it in the snow, and handed it to me, so as you can see i included it within my statue..the drunk was massively amused. Tho this makes it an inacurate representation i think youll agree it looks frikkin hillarious.

I thought well as he has a cigarette, may aswell go the whole hog, give him a rock n roll makeover, so i took the aviators that were keeping the snow and wind out of my poor eyes, and plonked them on my graven images face.

While i had a statue of myself carved in snow and carrot may aswell get a festive photo thought i , so i got my reindeer/serial killer mask out and popped this amazing santa hat on mini mike's head. Ideal, now that would make an imense christmas card  for years to come.people wont be able to tell which is the real mike. maybe the fag will be the give away.

The finished article.. in all his/ my glory. I know i really have outdone myself, im expecting a call from the arts council anytime now, no doubt upon seing this i will be asked to take on commisions worldwide.

Statue erected.

mission complete

xxxxx