day 97... gambling everything i have!!

day 97...  gambling everything i have!

Ever had the feeling that the lady luck is determined to outdo you on a certain day? i have, sadly it was the day that the book had instruction for me, instruction that required, alittle blind faith, all the cash i had available and luck in bucketloads.

Today i did as the book instructed, i gambled all i had, (granted it was all i had with the knowledge there was more to come very soon), however this was still a very stressfull and un-mikelike way of doing things.

The details i will not record here in the blog,  however if you wish to know ask me poisonally and im sure i'll feel more at liberty to speak on the matter (though the memory of it  gives me something aproaching a coronary)

All i will say on the matter is, if the idea was to be as a moral compass and disuade me from getting caught up in gambling... then it was a stroke of genius
from benrik and the task was  resounding success.

I did what was required, lost my stake and gained a fear (as a side note i had a gambling based nightmare today post task). mental scar check, empty wallet check, wish to avoid similar run in with lady luck. check. mission completed.. check.

day 96.. finding suspicious activity and reporting it.

day 96... finding and reporting suspicious activity!

Today as you can see my job was to discover suspicious behaviour, and make sure  people knew about it, i dint have to look far, among the many worrying sights i beheld this day was a package in the post room at teesside uni where i had dropped in to see simon (pictured above with package).

To the blind this may seem like a a harmless package , however to anyone with eyes and a functioning  brain this is clearly a massive firearm, the likes of which the bad guys generaly have in early 90's films starring arnie!!

As im sure you will realise, a large gunshaped item is a worrying site amongst all the box shaped packages on the counter top, i looked for a suspicious looking name, there was no name on it.. just a department, however at that stage i realised that most of the boxes were from abroad, and  most were intended for students with names that made me nervous.

I shared all the knowledge i had gleaned with those in authority in the office, and feeling sure i had done my duty, exited the office, hopeing that simon would be out to lunch should anything go off!

suspicious behaviour found and reported!!

day 95... free pet day!!

day 95... free pet day, So.. today the aim is to put the word out there that i have lost my (fictional) dog! In the hopes that someone will respond honestly believeing they have found  said k9.. and if  im  lucky.. i gain a free pet!

So i followed the usual format, odd/ ill advised photo of dog (in this case within hotdog bun) and description bellow that focuses more on the emotional connection than any real dog based information.

So here the notice is  i made a few, and lashed them up on trees and lampposts in the area, now its just a matter of sitting and waiting...

Here is one of said notices taped to a tree, surely the general public will be only too pleased to hook me up, such a nice photo, such an overwhelming show of love for the family pet.

So free pet day over, notices displayed...Nothing yet, but im keeping my fingers crossed (that i wont get one, as i have no use for  or desire for a dog)

posters up/ case closed

day 94... making the dalai lama lose his temper!!

day 94... making the dalai lama lose his temper!!

So today my task, as you can see is to make tibetan religious leader, and head of disputed state angry, a man who's whole existence is about inner peace, keeping urges controled, i respect the dalai lama..and want the best for tibet as a state however what the book requires i must give.  Angering  D.L isnt something i enjoy the though of doing, nor do i believe  i can.. however i offer up this letter, and keep my fingers crossed, will it reach him? i dont know  but here it is!

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Dearest D.lama
I trust all is well in china

I just wanted to get your thoughts on a couple of things that have been on my mind of late, I hope you will understand that these questions are asked in an attitude of friendship and with a genuine desire to understand your way of life.

One question that has been causing me considerable unrest is this, I have the utmost respect for you, and your religious beliefs, however I cant help wondering if the god you worship is so great, why does he not free you from exile?

Is it permisable within your religion to curse? I wondered if you could put a curse on Newcastle F.C? And make them unable to win from this day till the end of the season, and hence not gain promotion, also if possible the same hoodoo to be placed on Germany AND Argentina during the world cup. I know this maybe isn’t the way you usually do things, However I figured if you are tight with the big man, might aswell put it to some real use right?

I recently took up yoga, in an effort to become more at one wit the world and sadly it has caused some damage to my back, I wonder if I hooked you up with some coin, could you throw some good karma in my general direction?

On a side note, I’m not sure your aware of the unwritten rules of fashion, but as a rule red and orange together is a definite no no! Don’t get me wrong big D, you pull it off better than most but I wondered if you’ve considered a less clash likely combo.

Let me close dear friend by inviting you to read the book or Mormon , I’m not suggesting your on the wrong path, however I think It would be foolhardy to write off options, that may work for you, and cause an end to all this exile lark.

Be well dear friend

Mike
X
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So today i wrote a letter designed to anger the dalai lama, being sure to ask if all was well in china, asking him to curse things, and offering to pay for karma, aswell as advising against the clashing colours he sports daily, sounding as if i doubt his connection with his almighty, and suggesting he tries mormonism.

Im willing ti bet he has a sense of humour, i hope so...However the book requires me to hope he doesnt. (you see what i did there?)

DONE

day 93... queue jumping!!

day 93... queue jumping!!

Today my task was simple enough, i had to jump a queue, or several if i felt inspired to do so, Im generally fairly polite, and definatley do not enjoy people pushing in on a line  iv'e been waiting in, and so was just a little bothered by this assignment. The only thing for it  was to put the whole "do unto others" philosophy, and any moral compass completely out of the window for a few moments

After a little research i realised there were rules to queue jumping, definate do's and dont's that the succesfull jumper has to follow.. I will share them with you:-  

Do - Target tourists, they are less likely to say/do anything  about your cheek, they wont know the rules here, may not speak the language well enough  to make a coherant protest.. and its important to remember, its probably the done thing in their country  as it is in most, not many nations  have the queueing disease.

Dont - target the elderly , they have  high moral standards, which prevent them keeping quiet about percieved injustices ( but if they didnt we would be speaking german) The elderly its worth remembering  are always on the lookout for an oppertunity to brow beat you publicly for a breach in manners on your part, dont give them the satisfaction.

Dont -  Head for the middle of the queue, people in this area have been waiting a fair while, statistics point to  middle waiters feeling the most stressed, they may not really have time to be waiting in this queue anyway, maybe theyre worried they wont be seen in time  due to your push in. you could definately catch an unwanted rection.

Do - Jump in at the very front of the queue,this  is the best place to jump in believe it or not, the reasons for this are two fold: firstly, they are right  near the front  and so have relaxed, theyve done the wait and  know that despite your push in  they will be seen.. and secondly, they will be so taken back by the blatant cheek, they may find themselves lost for words

So rules in mind, and task afoot, i walked casually into the post office to get something weighed that needed posting , i very quickly however realised that this was not to be the scene of my intial push in.. there was a queue about 8 strong, pensioners to the last man, all deep in conversation.. double danger!! The last thing i want to do is anger a whole crew of elderly folk with a push in, they would  all be outraged  on the offended party's behalf and i couldnt  be sure that walking sticks wouldnt be shaken in my direction at very least.

I waited  and weighed, and posted, and left, and headed to tesco, Now this bustleing supermarket was to be  the scene of my crime, I gathered the shopping id entered for, keeping an eye out for a queue that fit the profiling.. foreigner heavy, devoid of the elderly.. in the end what i opted for was the self service tills.. there were 4 tills  all being used  and a queue of  4 people waiting, 2 at each side... i timed  my dash perfectly, and as one person left shopping in bag, i stormed straight through the middle of the 2 mini queues, onto a till and began scanning, i heard a tut! a quiet one.. nothing more.

QUEUE JUMPED - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED

day 92... everyday conversation

day 92... and today my task was to record my everyday conversation , in order to find out how memorable.. and / or witty it is. So i did that.. i wrote down all i remembered, and here for your viewing pleasure are what i considered to be the absoloute highlights.. to be honest i suprise myself sometimes.. am i actually the most quoteable man alive?

Here they are the top 5 mike self quotes of the day (with pictures)

" yeah i really like Newcastle as a city, its all the geordies that ruin it for me"

(response to being asked if id considered living in Newcastle)

"If they want me to jump through hoops, at very least theyl have to watch me do it"  (in conversation with a friend  after a government organisation asked me to fill out paperwork they want to know iv'e done, but  wont  really look at.

" yeah she was really dark, she wore it well like"

(after being asked about an african girl i dabbled with briefly)

" yeah, i know its offensive, but isnt it better to cause offence than disease?"

(as my argument against signing someones petition to allow actively gay men to give blood)

"theres  no excuse for that volume, She looks like ann widecom, in a rod hull wig"

(my perhaps cruel description of the woman being intolerably loud at the table next to me  as i ate)

So i recorded it all day, there are  quotes i consider funnier (i know its probably deeply uncooth to find your own words funny) , but i dont feel i want to put them up and be judged by the blog reading world..

done!!

day 91... confusing archaeologists!!

day 91... confusing archaeologists of the future!!

Im not sure how long me incorectly dating household items will confuse the arcaeologists of the future , but thats is the bidding of benrik. I have concerns about the productivity, and success likelyhood of this task, firstly im not sure how many of my goods electrical or otherwise will stand the test of time (made in china has never been a mark of quality), and secondly if an arceologist is taken in by the cunning plot for so much as a moment it would be slightly worrying, and say more about his expertise.. or lack of  than my labeling.

However that aside i set about round the house labeling goods that are most likely to be hanging around in years to come , wether as landfill or under the ground..with baldrick and co's time team descendants digging them up on tv or whetever  people of the future watch stuff on in their living rooms.

heres what i tagged:-

                      if anyone believes that one  i shall be over the moon!

prove d.a.b's wernt commonplace in the 1920's

the battle of hastings is known for more than just the battle of hastings, also the year dell stated knocking out lcd flatscreen monitors.

He gets about incredibly well if you bear in mind his age!

Absoloutley timeless!!

I live in hope that in years to come theyve given up carbondating as a bad job and have resorted to date on item and guestimates in the future, if a date is stated on item, surely they should just believe it!

items dated incorrectly- diggers hopefully foiled

day 90... canned laughter!!

day 90 ... canned laughter, And my task this gloriously sunny day is to record the new generation  of canned laughter ... typical  when its sunny... indoors for tasking. Apparently the majority of canned laughter used on todays t.v shows the world over was recorded in the 1950's although im not a big fan of canned laughter on programmes ( if you have to tell the viewing public  when something funny and hence laughter worthy has been said  its probably not funny enough) I  do see that 50-60 year old laughter on tv is probably something that needs reviewing.

If you think about it most of the people you hear when canned laughter is used sound  middle aged at best, does noone else find dead people laughing over sit coms un-nerving? I for one  certainly do.. Anyway using  a  voice recording package on my computer i recorded several laughs  ranging  from short bursts of  chuckle ( for mildly funny jokes without an intended pause)..to big hearty overblown laughs  (for the jokes the writers of sitcoms consider sidesplit worthy).

Then not only did i send them to benrik, to do with as they will, but i thought i would also try my luck by sending  them as attachments to some makers of  said sit coms, with the reasons  for update stated above.. id put the hard yards in  may aswell try and get them used right?

So today i recorded a new generation of canned laughter as required, i also put them out there..in the hope that one day i.. and all of you would hear my cackle on mildly amusing programmes   the world over.

laughter recorded- task canned!

day 89... pathalogical liar day.
Today i was invited to lie like never before, to everyone.. about everything. Now generally i consider myself a pretty honest person, if anything sometimes i could do with telling a few more white lies, so this days task didnt fill me with enthusiasm, I reckon it would be fairly easy to lie all day if you were surrounded by strangers who know no better, and with whom there could be no consequences.(them thinking you a liar from then on)
However if i was to lie all day.. this would include to friends and fammily, this made me uncomfortable, but the book inisted so the porkies sprang from my mouth like a dodgy balti heading for the porcelain. I realised a very easy way to dish the fibbs however would be to text, email.. and drop lies in on computer based chats, in that way i would have less explaining to do after today, because as we know, people rarely remember things said in computer based chats right? maybe thats just me?

The way i made myself feel better was this, if i tell really obvious massive lies, and lies of a massive scale that have a limited shelf life.. somehow it doesnt feel as bad... for example if early in the morning i told someone a premenent member of the royal family had died last night (which i did)... thats a massive lie, however its so big that even if they believe it momenterily, they could very swiftly discover there is no truth in it.
" yeah im in training for the london marathon"
"sorry puss, i have no food for you" ( to moses, he wont mind you knowing)

" did you know charles manson was maralyn mansons dad?
" j edgar hoover's son invented the vacum cleaner"
"yeah i reckon we will beat newcastle this weekend"

"snapple has links to the kkk" (apparently this is an urban myth in north america , im over the moon to re-tell it over here!

So there we are, a mere sample of the stinkers i told today, i hope you enjoyed them.
I told lies all day long.. and while i didnt feel great about it, it defonatley made life more interesting.

lying all day- done

day 88... madeleine day!!

day 88 ... madeleine day! Do you know what a madeleine is ? well allow me to explain..it is a smell, a smell that triggers a memory. Why is it called a madeleine? well.. i have no idea. But the task was to about all day sniffing things  to see if they would awaken memories of the past.

SO sniff i did, at the supermarket, in the park, in the home, at university.. while filming... everywhere.. i tried not to in the bog.. usually not the best idea. Most things i had a good wiff or reminded me of nothing but what they were. A few however were just the trick... proper madelienes. Allow me to  lay them before you.

The smell of pears soap.. is and always will be the smell of my grandmas house, fresh,obsesively cleaned to within an inch of its life, in a way only people of that generation are capable of . if you havnt smelled ppears before i dont know how to describe it  except.. larvly. I ve always liked its translucent orange glow too.

The smell of chlorine  i caught a wiff of in the uni toilets (post cleaner) never fails to remind me of swimming as a youn lad.. well not swimming (as i cant) but certainly being at and in the swimming pool.. SSSSSTOCKTON BATHS.

The paprika i nostrilled in tesco, put me in mind of my life in hungary.. where everyone.. and i do mean everyone  hasa small plot of it in their garden.. and when the wether is good.. it is just about all you can smell.

  And finally.... Outside the pub i caught a wiff of skunk... which reminded me of 2 things,  (1)the 4 legged variety of skunk, which in turn reminded me of vancouver, it wasnt until then i grasped why on earth youd call a strain of weed skunk... now i know! they are identical to the nasal cavity! and (2) which shall remain a secret.

madeleine day.... complete

day 87... week of revolution/ final day/liquidate everything

day 87... and the book has instructed me to cut all links between myself and the movement . apparently as leader i am way to valuable to risk .. ,fear not my comrades   the things  we stood / stand for are still weigh as heavily on my mind , dont think  for a moment that i leave you to fight alone.

The struggle carries on... until i become nervous and start killing you all off in a stalinesque paranoia based slaughter. Until then tho carry on, i will be watching and waiting, the group has gone,, as the book was certain that no links between us should remain.

Carry on! we fight for right, in hundreds of years they will makes films of this day, me astride a horse face painted, shouting freedom... like braveheart in reverse. fight the good fight.

Thw wolves are among us, my comrades.. be brave.  I leave you with these words:-


"dont think, if you think, dont speak, if you speak dont write, if you write, dont sign, if you think , speak, write and sign.. dont be suprised!!."

i go with you, though you see me not.

mike (your esteemed leader)

day 86... week of revolution day 5/ imposing the new society

day 86... week of revolution/ day 5/the new dawn

The new dawn is here comrades,  today is the day.. . I spent last night making final preperations.. on lots of major radio stations spreading the word.. I was able to reach huge numbers, now i know for sure there is no shortage of support for revolution. It has the full backing of the people.

I got a national radio presenter  to make the pamphlet available as a document  for printage  to anyone from his website... apparently  there was a great take up.. which amused me greatly. The joy felt by starting the ball rolling  and hearing the rest of the phone in being taken over by people  across england disgusted by the liberties being taken north of the border.

So last night while listening  to overwhelming support for the revolt , i typed up a letter to hollyrud (scottish parliament building) leaving them in no doubt as to how the new order will function, and how we feel about the current situation, and that the people of england would sit and accept it no longer, time for actin had arrived, they should brace themselves for a change in policy.

I think of myself as a william wallace in reverse, ridding my land of scottish rule (p.m. and cabinet) and the ridiculous taxes imposed upon us  to fund the lifestyle of the masses over the border (education and health).. like braveheart. But superior obviously.

So the new dawn.. its here.. soon our neighbours will be out of our wallets  and back in their place.. under foot.

VIVA LA REVOLUTION!

day 85... revolution week/ day 4/ hijacking a train to scene of coup

day 85... revolution week/ day 4/ hijacking a train

So today my preperation for total revolt continued, with the support of  friends, family, the working man, a recognisable banner, and a cause for which the public is prepared to revolt (i hope) it was time to hijack a train to the scene  of the planned coup as is traditional.

So pamphlets  and general propaganda in hand i made my way to the station.. i needed to travel incognito until the time to act definitively arrived. So i went dressed as the average man to avade capture.. we never know how much is known..cautiosness is required.

My target today is the tv/ radio station.i  politely requested the train be diverted to town. Then i made my way to the bbc, where i would ensure (by frorce in neccesary) that my demands were met.

However  when i arrived... noone was in, maybe lunch hour, maybe they had been tipped off by a traitor, or the authorities about an iminent hostile takeover.
Either way access could not be gained... so i did the only thing that made sense in such a situation , posted leaflets and general bumph in the hope they would take up the flag, and express their support over the airwaves.. then my revolution would REALLY  be on. People all over teesside, england.. behind that cause.. opposed to and prepared to revolt against the gross injustice i fight against.

I can hardly wait.

photos to follow